late night thoughts

This is my favorite time of the day. Everyone is in bed, all the animals are asleep and my house is simply quiet. It is wonderful! I have been thinking for two days now about bringing Mama home. It has taken up alot of my free mind time and I have turned and twisted and looked at the pros and cons and I am still not decided. Granted if she were here she would be treated like the princess she is and waited on hand and foot. She would always have something to drink and she would always be taken to the bathroom. She would be looked after and treated so gently and that is where the problem lies. When Mama is here she is treated well and provided for her every whim and that is all that gets done until she takes her afternoon nap or goes to bed in the evening. She is on a good schedule when she is with me. She is up usually by 8 then its breakfast and coffee. Then I get her dressed and hair combed and makeup put on lipstick and perfume. Then she watches TV for a while then we may ride out somewhere or not. Then we have lunch by 12 na dshe is off to nap from 1-3 or 2-4. I do not let her sleep more than 2 hrs usually. I get her up and we have a snack then watch TV or sing some or take a short walk. We have dinner by 6 then evening TV and off to bed by 8. She most always sleeps all night now. This is a 24-7 care she needs. She cannot be left alone so I have to arrange care for her if I go out at all, usually I just take her with me. I did not have much help before she went to CV. I think for the last 4 weeks I had a very young lady come for 4 hrs once a week. Sometimes I would just go and sit somewhere. I really needed help. If I bring her back now I need to have her Dr's consent and she will want me to tell her who is going to help me. I think I may be able to get some help this time so I could have at least one or two days to do errands. I may be able to get a weekend a month or at least 24 hrs even from Peggy who is one of her care givers right now on the weekends. All this needs to be explored first. The next thought is that I would really like to keep my 3 hr a day job fro 2 reasons. One is that I need to keep my foot in the door with the school system and 2 is that it would be good for my mental health I think. However I would have to get committed folks to help for 4 hrs a day. I have to leave by 10:10 and I get off at 1:30 and would be home by 1:45 if I did not stop any where else. I thought about asking Natalie for at least 2-3 days a week then ask Anne maybe for one day a week and then get a sitter the other day. Boy if I did that I have to have back-ups and then when Mom is not feeling well I might have to stay with her. Also I am not sure how I could handle coming home tired each day and then having to cook dinner and get her to bed etc. I am just not sure that I could keep my job and care for Mom too. I had figured out this schedule if I kept working. Get Mom up by 8 to have coffee and eat with her. Get her dressed and all set 9:30. The get myself dressed and ready to go and walk out the door by 10:15. I would have to have part of the dinner prepped in the a.m. before I get her up. That means that I would start my day at 6 when I get Jerry up for school, no more going back to bed for 2 hrs. Then she would have time to watch TV and get her lunch with whoever was here. If she did not go down fro her nap at one then I would see her at 1:45 and hopefully get her down by 2ish. Then when she gets up we would have time to visit in the afternoon and evening. I would try for a sitter on Saturdays or Sunday afternoon so Ed and I could have time to get out by ourselves. I would try for 1 24 hr period once a month at possibly Peggy's home like Sat about 11 to Sun about the same time. It is a lot of planning to make sure I have coverage to work if I choose to do that and if not to at least have some free time each week and once on the weekend. If I got sick or had to go to the hosp or whatever I would have to make sure Ed or Nat could handle things. I would use the bathroom by the kitchen for her and give her a shower bath on one of those shower chairs each week. I would take her to get her hair done once a week and to the calmer church service on Sundays. We would go out to eat possibly at least once a week or just for a nice ride. It's all about Mom when you have her because Alzheimers robs her of the ability to do for herself so it is like having a 3 year old. As long as she sleeps and naps each day I could manage. I would need Ed's blessings and his help sometime. The main thing is the sleep. I do not want to have my family feel neglected or angry because they are all needy for me. I wonder if I could continue to work....Now the other thing I wonder is about the activity level that she has now at Silvercrst. Oh, she does not do the activities there such as Bingo and the Price is right or field trips etc. She just cannot do those anymore in a group setting, however she does have a good established routine there. She walks the halls just a small amount now and stops and visits with most everyone she meets. She see's people coming and going all the time and listens to all their conversations etc. Heck she even does the rosary now with the Catholic ladies on Monday mornings. She goes to the church service on Wednesdays for an hr and loves to sing the old songs with everyone. She sits on the little couch and watches TV and waits for someone to come and get her or take her to lunch or dinner and the occasional potty times. Her friend Peggy comes to see her ay least 3-4 times a week in the early morning and takes her for an outside walk to look at the flowers and birds etc. Other than that and my 2-3 visits that is all she gets except her hair done on Wednesdays. She has adjusted somewhat there and to her routine of life at Silvercrest. Would she get enough stimulation here? Is it wrong to take her out of an environment she has finally accepted? What oh what is the right thing to do concerning Mom? Well I have an apt tomorrow to discuss all this with Meg at Silvercrest tomorrow afternoon, then I have to discuss it with Dr. Christopher, then Ed again, then get all the help lined up etc.etc.etc. Wow it is a huge undertaking. Here are my thoughts on why I want her here..I can manage her hydration and toileting much better and feel confident that she is gettin what she needs. I have more control over her meds and can put her back on the vitamins, she will be with her family and get to see the children each weekend on Family day Sunday afternoons. I can get more time with her and not have to drive so much. I can give her kisses anytime and say hello beautiful each morning and good night princess each evening. I can have her close. Reasons not to make the change is how will she react to another move back here, how will she handle the dogs, tile floors more noise and more comotion from everyone coming and going. How will I handle her moods and can I get enough time for my personal self and time for Ed and Jerry and Natalie. How can all this work if I continue working? Will I feel upset at giving my job up? I have questioned God so much about Mom. He seemed to have finally answered with the job but now I wonder again what he wants me to do. Yes, alot on my mind tomite and this last week. Dear God, please let me know clearly what you want me to do about Mama.