A report on Mom

Yesterday I went to visit Mom. I found her in good spirits and looking lovely. We had a good time together and she told me all sorts of things. I had bought her a new fuzzy pink scarf to keep her nack warm and a new pink poodle dog which she loved and a new baby blankie lovie. She was most happy with the new things. I had found an old calender that had the most beautiful pictures of flowers and such and I took it with me. I took the calender apart and placed it in blocks on the wall by her bed and put it up with thumb tacks. Now when she is laying there she will have pretty pictures to look at. One of the gals came in and looked at what I did and said wow..you put wallpaper up! I guess it does look like wallpaper, I just thought how I would feel with only a bare wall to look at. I have to be careful what I put around her bed as she rips everything off of anywhere she can reach. I did put her tub of lovie stuffed toys back by her bed so she can reach them. The girls moved them as they said she plays with them all night and throws them everywhere. I think it is ok for her to have her toys to play with and even throw them everywhere. I bet she even throws them at the girls!! I spent over an hr talking to the hospice nurse Kathy Harrell. Mom's urine was all good. They had checked it as a possible uti because her behavior one week was really bad. When will these folks learn that it is all part of the process of the disease. It bothers me mostly as they have to put a cather in to do this and I know I dont like those and I am sure Mom does not and does not even understand what they are doing so it must be scary for her. I told Kathy that I did not want this done anymore, so we will see. She also gained 5 lbs last month! I am really torn by this because they are giving her this terrible grape juice to drink that stimulates her appetite. She gets it before each meal and they get her to drink it by telling her that it is her wine!! Well it is working but I have to ask myself how I feel about something that is in effect forcing her to eat. Is this God's way to keep her alive and is this ok with him..or should we just let things go naturally and not give her the tonic. It is very hard to come up with an answer on this. I dont want her to suffer or be hungry and I do want her to live as long as she p[ossibly can, but is this the wrong thing to do. I will struggle with this until I can come up with an answer in my own mind and be at peace with the decision. To me she seems much happier these last 2 weeks and maybe that is because she is eating...who knows. I dont plan on anything anymore with life and Mom. I just take each day as it comes and bathe everything in prayer that concerns me. I pray for Mom at least 4 times a day, I pray for all my children, for my beloved sisters, for Ed, for the homeless and down trodden, for the lost and abandoned animals, for sick friends at church, for our church, for children, for rain or no rain, for the lost souls, and I even have learned to pray for myself. God listens and hears our prayers. Sometimes he may not answer right away but I know he hears our prayers. Dear God, Thank you for hearing my prayers.

A very strange feeling

Today I went to see my Momma at Silvercrest. She was so happy to see me and told me all sorts of things which I could not understand but some things I could decode. I visisted for about an hour and a half then had to leave to go to work. As soon as I was leaving the building I had the strangest feeling wash over me. Almost a foreboding. I got in the car and drove the loop over to Walmart. I wanted to grab a new bottle of foundation while being close to the Walmart. When I parked my car I just sat there and the feeling was getting worse and worse. I almost felt like God himself was telling me to go back to Silvercrest and stay with Mom. I just cannot put into words how this felt and the effect it was having on me. I tried to reason with myself and say everything was all right and there was no reason to worry. I got out of the car and went in and just pushed the cart around for a few minutes. I was almost lost and could not even think why I came in there. Then I remembered and got the foundation and a few things for the little kids Easter baskets. I was on my way up front to check out when I almost had a panic attack. I felt it rising up in me and I was trying to just get thru the checkout and back to my car. I made it back and just sat there again wondering what was happening to me. I started the car and made it back to Niceville and to work. I really do not know how I got thru the afternoon and would not have I am quite sure if I had not sent a text msgh to a friend to start praying for me. She sent up litle angel prayers all afternoon for me and sent me sweet text messages every 30 minutes. It could have been my blood sugar was to low or too high or I may be starting down that road again with panic attacks. I really hope not. It is a bumpy road to go down. I did not have any Xanax with me as it has been at least a year since I had to take any. I will put some in my purse in case this happens again. I have been really keyed up lately and maybe all that was feeding into things. I have called and checked on Mom and Loreen eyeballed her for me too. Other than being a real handfull today after I left she seems ok. I noticed her legs today and they seem to have a pinkish purpleish color to them. They are usually white. It could have been the boots she had on. I just ask God to keep her safe and free from any harm or pain and to let all those who take care of her be kind and loving to her. Today that is all I can do. This may also have been set off by a blog my sister wrote on seeing Mom and Dad in her backyard swing. I am big on premonitions and un explained thoughts or feelings. Maybe God is getting ready to call her home. Maybe its just anxiety, maybe I will take a Xanax tonight. Dear God please keep my Momma safe and please lay your calming hand on me right now. Amen.

life

Today I have a few minutes to write and recap life in the last few weeks. As you may remember Ed was on his way to Tuscon, AZ. He had a good trip which turned out to be almost 2 weeks long as things were going slow with the testing on the A-10. He loved Tuscon so much so that he wants to go back and take me with him....hmmm maybe he is really thinking retirement one day! I could live almost anywhere and I do love the west. While he was gone my computer crashed and the only way I had of checking my email was on Natalie's little laptop. That was a real bummer. I am glad to say that we got the computer back this week and it is working like a charm.
I have been very busy with Mom lately. She has so many skin tares that it is awful. She had a really really bad one last Friday and when I saw it on Sunday her hand was twice the normal size. I freaked and told the nurse to get on it, I was pretty upset. She called the Doc and they ordered an x-ray to check for fractures or a break. That was done Monday a.m. and there were none. One of the nurses managed to get Moms ring off that morning and strange as it sounds the swelling went down within an hr. Yesterday when I saw her the swelling is still gone but her hand looks so sad. The skin tare is really deep and jagged and I worry about it. I have asked them like for 3 months to get the Jerri gloves and now I demanded it on Monday. They have ordered them finally. This should hopefully help with the tares. Her skin is breaking down and I know this happens so I am just trying to manage it so it will not become painful or infected. She picks at everything and takes the bandages off all the time. She has managed to take alot of the rubber rail coatings off her bed rails too. It is a hard time again with her and I feel she is going down hill at a fast rate right now. However she is Amazing Grace, she may recover and turn things around at any moment who knows. They are taking regular urine samples so I do not know if that is to look for the kidneys shutting down or infection or what. I just go and love on her as much as possible and pray all day long for her. I call them angel prayers sent up during the day to keep her safe and I pray for those taking care of her for the day or night to be loving and kind to her which I know most are. It is a real balancing act to care for my family and Mom and work and volunteer and to see Jerry thru this last year of high school. I am doing much better these days as I have learned to listen to my body and to take care of me first. If I am not rested and feeling good then I cannot care for others. Take for instance yesterday which was Thursday...I was so sleepy in the a.m. and barely got Jerry off to school. I drank a cup of coffee and went back to bed about 7:15. I think I must have died. Natalie came in at 12 and asked me if I was going to get up and I said yes, then fell back asleep till 2! After that I got up and took a shower and hit the road. I stopped by the office for an hr then headed up to CV to see Mom. I stayed for a long time with her and sat thru dinner with her. She ate about half of a half of a baked potatoe. Then she ate about 1/4 cup of diced peaches and drank her boost. All in all I say she ate maybe 1/2 to 3/4 cup of total food not including the boost. This was really good for dinner time for her usually she refuses to eat at all but will drink the boost. Today Mrs.Barrow turns 106 years old. I talked to her last night or tried to. She is an amazing pioneer woman of this area. I am getting ready now to go to work pain and all. I have been very sore lately and very achy all over, even my back has been hurting where I had the back surgery a few years ago. I think the fibro must be acting up so I will consider adding an extra Lyrica today to see if that will help. Oh the pangs of growing older!!

Retreat

Retreat...a time to draw back, to get away,to relax,to let your mind rest. Our church had its semi annual staff retreat last week at Blue Lake in Alabama. It was nice to get away for a while. The camp is sat on about 1000 acres of pristine land about 15 miles from Andulasia, AL. The very first thing I noticed was how incredibly quiet it was. There was no noise at all. No cars no music no people no stop lights no nothing. It was incredibly surreal almost like Cindy (the gal) I rode with and I were all that exsisted. We got there late and everyone else was already in class upstairs. Cindy and I both had to give our depositions in a case for divorce which of course includes children and money. I will write more on this later as it un folds. We talked alot about the Beatitudes and how each one truely works in our lives and in turn allows us to work in others lives. The speaker talked alot about how we need to have a mission inside of the church and also outside of the church. We have alot to digest from this speaker. On the day we left it started to snow, yes I said snow!! It was incredibly beautiful and just made this a wonderful experience. Several of our staff had a snowball fight and that was cool. On the ride home Cindy and I discussed alot of what we had learned and how to apply it to our daily lives. I am glad I went and glad I took the time for myself.
Ed left today for Tuson, Arizona for 10 days. I will miss him so much but I know he has to go with the planes when they go. Last night we said our vows again at church. There was about 100 couples there with us. It was so special and I am glad that we are still in love with each other and want to stay together. We have been married now for 32 years and some times it seems like yesterday and some times it seems forever. Funny how life is like that!

Back to work

Today I am going back to work, its time and I do feel better. I am still a bit wheezy today but that is ok too. Had a great Crisis Care meeting last night and then had a good visit with a friend who really needed to just talk. It is very rainy today and we have the lakes forming in the backyard again, boy I think we need more rain! A bright spot of news is that Jerry finally got a job yesterday at Backyard burgers as a cook...Yeah Jerry! I had a lengthy telephone call from Ms.T.Ford Jerry's senior advisor yesterday. I think we have come to some sort of understanding about him and his schedule and life after H.S. any way I will say that I hope we have.
Looked at pictures of Ellijay and the surrounding properties for sale yesterday on the computer and had a fun time dreaming about one day possibly owning a little getaway place there. The prices continue to fall and what a great time to buy, but as usual it won't be now.....ah but it is fun to dream. Dear God, please take care of my Mom today and keep her safe and in a happy mood. Thank you that you give us the ability to dream.

Thoughts of another place and time

Retirement...That one word can bring on a whole multitude of thoughts and feelings such as can we really ever retire, can we financially or mentally retire, can we do any of the things we once thought so important, can we travel, can we have a get away place, could we still have all our facilities about us,could we be around each other 24/7 ??? All good thoughts to ponder on. There was a time that we thought we would love to travel when Ed finally retired. We would get to see the rest of the USA and reconnect with all our other retired friends and love just getting out and about. We dreamed of returning to Paris and taking the time to see the Louve' and all the treasures it holds. We wanted to go back to MontMatTree' and spend a whole day at the Seccour' the Church on the Hill. We want to go and walk in the American cemetary and pay our respects to those who gave their lives to liberate France. We would love to return to the Cotswolds in England and find a tiny village to spend a month or a year there...or forever. Now we wonder like everyone else if any of these dreams will come true. We would also like to take a cruise to Alaska now that is a real dream for us. We have had a few talks lately on retirement and if and when Ed plans to retire. He had told me for a long time that he was on the work til you drop plan...now he is at least thinking sometime within the next ten years. I wonder in 10 years how our health will be, could we do those long walks and long drives in the US will we even want to. It is funny to me how your thoughts can change over time. What once was a "must do or must see" is now a well lets think about it. Maybe those think about it thoughts will turn into lets just do it...who knows only time will tell. Dear God, Thank you for allowing us to delve deeper into our thoughts. Amen

Jerry and the SAT or ACT or is it the just shoot me!

Jerry is now in the last 4 months of his high school life. He is being given information overload at a rate of warp-speed everyday. Today this laid back kid told me "Mom you need to get me registered for the SAT." Umm Jerry you have asked me this since last year and each time you change your mind and don't go. Yeah I know Mom but now I think I really need to just take it to get some kind of score. Are you really going to do it this time?? Pause..yeah I think so. Jerry the workshop is $125.00. If I pay this it is no refunds so you will have to go and it is for 4 afternoons but it will give you an edge. No, I think I will just take the test. Ha..I dont know about this kid and trying to explain anything to him is about as fruitful as talking to the dog. Nat tells me to just let him take it and fail to which he responded yeah but I get another chance, one more time. Hello wall and how are you today? Now he thinks he will go to the college here in town...Northwest Florida State College. Great idea but he either has to present them with an SAT or ACT score or take the entrance exam...will he ever "get" it? Lord I hope so, I mean all we want for our kids is a chance at a great life with a loving spouse and good friends and the means to support themselves. I know...patience, patience! Dear Lord please help him to find his way and please help me to keep my sanity in the process.