A cup of tea

Many mornings I stumble to the kitchen at o dark thirty to put on the kettle. As I wait in anticipation of that first sip of liquid gold I say good morning to all the pets, they are so happy to see me! Mommy means food and lovies and in that order. I let the dogs out, lets see there is Mae the old dobie, Bonnie the 12 yr old mix, Mia the Queen...she is 15 years old, and a world traveler. Mia is a rat fox terrier and then there is Daisy the almost 1 year old beagle. This dog makes us all crazy! While the dogs are out I take care of the kitties. There is Ayce, she is 15 years old, tabby...world traveler, then we have Cyrstal, a rescue kitty from Destin. Crystal is a strange cat and very large and fluffy, and did I say very moody! Then we have Noel, a stray that came to us on Christmas day about 5 years ago. Lastly we have Guchi....well you know the story on him and he is just fun! He may be 7 weeks by now. Yes, eight animals is alot but you know they bring us so much happiness. We do not expect Mia and Mae to be around much longer. Ayce is very old too at 15. They have all lived good lives and Mia and Ayce have been with us since Montana so they are extra special to us. That was such a wonderful time in our lives. There was sadness too but for the most part wonderful. One day I will write about all of that. For today however I sit and sip my liquid gold and watch the animals play and sleep and realize that life is good. Dear God, Thank you for all our pets and thank you that we can love and feed them and care for them until they go to kitty and puppy heaven.

The job, my therapy.

So you may be wondering how my pt job is going down at the school. I am happy to report that I am still there and still burried deep in pots and pans. Actually I have been keeping the 2 serving lines stocked while another co-worker washes dishes. It is pretty nice. Oh I still do the washing up but not constantly. I may wash a few when I get there and then right before our 12:30 break when all the kids have left. I usually try to do a mad dash to get everything caught up before we eat. Then after the break I hit it again and get everything washed and put away by 1:30. I think when I came everyone thought I was just there to do the washing up, and that is what I did. However 2 weeks ago things changed. Miss Pearl must have talked to everyone and told them her new plan to get me doing the serving lines and that they had to wash while I was re-stocking. I think most everyone is ok with that. It has been good for me too.
I continue to go see my Mom every Tues and Friday after work, she looks forward to seeing me and I can't hardly wait to go and see her and catch up with the latest buzz and the gossip! It is so funny how I never thought that old people did gossip but boy Have I found out different. I also do volunteer work at the church on Monday, Wednesday and Thursdays from 2-4. I have been working on putting a resource booklet together on the computer for small groups. It is a huge project but I am really having fun learning publisher. I will start volunteering with a psychiartrist on Thursdays from 2-5 in a week or so. It is also at our church and there may be a paid job somewhere down the road with her. We already have a lady that does counseling for our church members and others but she is so overloaded that we need someone to help her. I am glad that I can help wherever needed. Ed and I spend Saturdays together and watch movies and go for a ride sometimes. We go to church on Sundays and do various things during that time. Sunday evenings we always have family time and dinner. It is so much fun to have everyone here and of course the grandbabies. I am a blessed woman. Dear God, Thank you for my job and thank you that I can help wherever needed at church to bring others to you.

Cooler weather....Finally!

OMG the cooler weather has finally arrived! Now I can remember why we love living in Florida...in the fall/winter time. It has been really cool at night , like maybe 36ish and warm during the day, like 65ish. I finally turned the heat on and let it run just enough to warm the house up. It has to be really cold and damp for me to turn the heat on as most of you know. It has been great to put sweaters on, and the scarves and gloves even!01111111111111111111101 That was from Guchi crawling on the key board, sorry. But back to the cool weather.....we have cleaned up the yard and trimmed and pruned all the bushes and I have to say that it looks really good. This is a rental house and we really only have to keep the grass mowed. We have always tried to keep up our place wherever that might be and whether here or abroad. It makesus feel good to know we are doing our part. I hope the cooler weather will stay for a very long time, it just invigorates my soul! Thank you dear God for the wonderful weather you have sent our way!

Guchi girl err...guy

Thank you to Anne for helping me get back into my site! You are awesome!!
This little, tiny, pathetic kitten came to our house about a month ago. Jerry (bless his heart) brought Guchi home one night very late. He had been at a friends house and there was a litter of kittens and the Momma Cat was not giving this kitten any attention as he was the runt of the litter. He was covered from head to tail in fleas and incredibly starving literally. I told Jerry that he probably would not make it thru the night. Jerry gave him 2 baths to remove the fleas and he still had about 50 on his super tiny body. He wrapped him up and took care of him thru the night. The next morning I opened the guest bath where I told Jerry to put him and to my suprize he was alive and...hungry. We fed him about every 3 hrs during the day and he was loved on and put back each time in his room for rest. He cried all the time non stop trying to communicate to us. We just kept cuddling him and telling him he was going to be ok. This was the pattern for the first week. I thought if he could make it a week then he just might make it and live. Now the weeks have gone on and I now feel that Guchi girl as I called her will make it. She looks great eats well and sleeps well and loves to be cuddled. She still crys some but mostly for food or to be held. The fleas are all gone and we think he may weigh a pound and a half maybe. When he came he may have been 5 oz, at best. He is going to the walk in clinic at the pet store this weekend for a shot and worming. The plan was to keep her till I felt she could be adopted, which I think is now. However, I think we have all gotten very close to this little life. I try not to but I just cannot help it. Well by now you have probably noticed that I go from calling the kitten a him and a her. He was so tiny that only now have we been able to tell that indeed it is a boy. It has felt like having a newborn in the house. I love my son for his tender side. He has a huge heart and especially for puppies and kittens and little children. So now in this last year he has brought us a puppy, and a kitten. We love you Jerry but please, no more animals!

Friday

This week has gone by incredibly fast. Each day I watch my hands get more red and sore. I am keeping my focus tho on why I am even at this job. I bought myself a pair of gloves that Annie suggested this week. I will try them out starting Momday and see if it will make a difference. I finished part one of Lew's project on Thursday. Once I got going it was really easy, however i did have to really concentrate on it. I really need some new glasses as I can hardly see out of my current prescription. It's funny how things change. I use to go faithfully each year to the opt. Now as I have to pay for most of it I go maybe every 3 years, not good I know.
I went to see Mom today and we had a great visit. I had called this morning and instructed the floor nurse to not give her the noon pill. I told her that since they had changed it from 25 to 50 mg she is really hard to wake up when I come to visit. I did not notice it before returning to work as I always went in the mornings. Since I now get there about 2:00 I have seen the difference. Today I took Mom to Walmart to just go and get about 4 items we needed at home. She did very well and I was very mindful to not walk her around too much. She had the best time talking to everyone's baby! That's my Mama and that is where I got it from too. When we returned she wanted to stop at the first visiting room to sit and visit. This was strange because she al;ways likes the other room. I figured out that she was just tired from the little trip that we took to the store. I noticed that Dr. Christopher was at the desk so I got Mom settled and went to talk to her abput the noon pill. I told her about Mom reaching out and grabbing at things that were not there and of the snake and spider episode. She told me that those are delusions that can be brought on with Mom's condition and the medicine she is on. I told her about the excessive sleepiness and hard to awaken in the afternoons. She decided to change her back for 2 weeks to the 25mg of seroquel and we will see how she does. She was put on that a few months ago as she was agitated in the afternoons and one day slapped a CNA and a resident. So lets hope she can stay happy and not start hitting again.
I thought today again about Mom being with me or the Rach. She has slowed down so much but I still can see Mom in there and especially when she is not on the higher dose of the seraquel. I wish she could be with a family member and then other times I am glad she is close to me. I still wonder about the quality of life she has at Silvercrest vs. a real home with family members around. I wonder what she would be like if she did not take the noon seraquel. I trust Dr. Christopher and I know she really cares about my Mama. She has a Mama in the other place in CV with similar problems as Mom so today we discussed being on the other end. She is very open and I know she hurts at times too for her Mother in law. We will press on. I did call to talk to Rach today and left a message but she was out and about. I hope she had a fun day and is happy. I am glad she has a man who loves her so supremely. She is a very lucky woman. Dear God, Please let Mama stay in a happy, non-aggressive state so she can have a lower dose of meds in the afternoon and please keep her safe and healthy.

The Decision

Friday was the day to set my mind free. It was going to have to be "The decision" day. I had been struggling since the previous week with my Mama. I had gone to visit her as usual and this time when I announced it was time to go she asked "can I come too?" This literally crushed me as this was the first time in 9 months that she had asked to come home. From that point on I rolled it around every which way as you can see when you read the previous entry. I had even begun to not sleep over this thing, I had to give it a rest with a decision. Before I saw Mom on Friday I visited with Meg who is the admissions/social services/counselor lady. Really she does it all...except hands on nursing. She listened to me then brought up many points that I had not considered. She is very compassionate and ended with "if your Mom was in her right mind and could function within the family then by all means I would say take her home." But you and I both know where she is at and where she is headed and it will not get any better. She will continue to loose ground and become more confused. It would be too much to change my family around again. They are the ones who will feel the effects of Mom coming back, they will remember, Mom will not. She is right of course. Then I went down to Mom's room where she was sleeping. She was doing the reaching out thing to grab whatever she sees in her dreams. She also was doing some shaking and jumping a bit as well. These dreams that she has have become mostly halucinations. One day she sat bolt upright and started getting the snakes off the bed, then I stomped on them and told her they were dead, she went back to sleep peacefully. Another time it was spiders, another time it was someone chasing her, etc. Could I deal with all of this? Probably not. I stood over her just watching for a good 5 minutes, then I tried to wake her up, she opened her eyes and smiled then went back to sleep to catch whatever was there. I have decided these are either angels or faries that fly over her while she sleeps. Usually when she is trying to catch them she has a smile on her face, so I will think these are good things for now. I have let go of my guilt and given it to God. He has told me over the weekend that it is all ok. Mom is being taken care of and for the most part happy. I will still go and visit her, however I am going to look at this differently now. She is my Mom in person but the Mom I knew for so many years has left. She has a familiarty with me and sometimes knows my name and that I am her daughter, other times we are just good friends. It is the cycle of life, some of us go out with a bang with all our faculities, and some of us go out with none. I tell Mom all the time that one day we will all be in heaven together. We will have a new body and new mind and that all the family will be there. Family was the most important thing to Mama. She passed that on to me and I believe and hope that I have passed that on to my children. I will forever love and adore her. I will look at her memory box every day that my sis made and remember the wonderful woman that was my role model for so many years. I will cherish those memories and look forward to the day we will all be together again in Heaven, that wonderful place God has promised to us for those that believe. Dear God, Please take care of my Mama. Please give her water to drink and please let her remember how to chew and swallow to nourish her body. Please keep her safe and happy until you call her home to be with you.

late night thoughts

This is my favorite time of the day. Everyone is in bed, all the animals are asleep and my house is simply quiet. It is wonderful! I have been thinking for two days now about bringing Mama home. It has taken up alot of my free mind time and I have turned and twisted and looked at the pros and cons and I am still not decided. Granted if she were here she would be treated like the princess she is and waited on hand and foot. She would always have something to drink and she would always be taken to the bathroom. She would be looked after and treated so gently and that is where the problem lies. When Mama is here she is treated well and provided for her every whim and that is all that gets done until she takes her afternoon nap or goes to bed in the evening. She is on a good schedule when she is with me. She is up usually by 8 then its breakfast and coffee. Then I get her dressed and hair combed and makeup put on lipstick and perfume. Then she watches TV for a while then we may ride out somewhere or not. Then we have lunch by 12 na dshe is off to nap from 1-3 or 2-4. I do not let her sleep more than 2 hrs usually. I get her up and we have a snack then watch TV or sing some or take a short walk. We have dinner by 6 then evening TV and off to bed by 8. She most always sleeps all night now. This is a 24-7 care she needs. She cannot be left alone so I have to arrange care for her if I go out at all, usually I just take her with me. I did not have much help before she went to CV. I think for the last 4 weeks I had a very young lady come for 4 hrs once a week. Sometimes I would just go and sit somewhere. I really needed help. If I bring her back now I need to have her Dr's consent and she will want me to tell her who is going to help me. I think I may be able to get some help this time so I could have at least one or two days to do errands. I may be able to get a weekend a month or at least 24 hrs even from Peggy who is one of her care givers right now on the weekends. All this needs to be explored first. The next thought is that I would really like to keep my 3 hr a day job fro 2 reasons. One is that I need to keep my foot in the door with the school system and 2 is that it would be good for my mental health I think. However I would have to get committed folks to help for 4 hrs a day. I have to leave by 10:10 and I get off at 1:30 and would be home by 1:45 if I did not stop any where else. I thought about asking Natalie for at least 2-3 days a week then ask Anne maybe for one day a week and then get a sitter the other day. Boy if I did that I have to have back-ups and then when Mom is not feeling well I might have to stay with her. Also I am not sure how I could handle coming home tired each day and then having to cook dinner and get her to bed etc. I am just not sure that I could keep my job and care for Mom too. I had figured out this schedule if I kept working. Get Mom up by 8 to have coffee and eat with her. Get her dressed and all set 9:30. The get myself dressed and ready to go and walk out the door by 10:15. I would have to have part of the dinner prepped in the a.m. before I get her up. That means that I would start my day at 6 when I get Jerry up for school, no more going back to bed for 2 hrs. Then she would have time to watch TV and get her lunch with whoever was here. If she did not go down fro her nap at one then I would see her at 1:45 and hopefully get her down by 2ish. Then when she gets up we would have time to visit in the afternoon and evening. I would try for a sitter on Saturdays or Sunday afternoon so Ed and I could have time to get out by ourselves. I would try for 1 24 hr period once a month at possibly Peggy's home like Sat about 11 to Sun about the same time. It is a lot of planning to make sure I have coverage to work if I choose to do that and if not to at least have some free time each week and once on the weekend. If I got sick or had to go to the hosp or whatever I would have to make sure Ed or Nat could handle things. I would use the bathroom by the kitchen for her and give her a shower bath on one of those shower chairs each week. I would take her to get her hair done once a week and to the calmer church service on Sundays. We would go out to eat possibly at least once a week or just for a nice ride. It's all about Mom when you have her because Alzheimers robs her of the ability to do for herself so it is like having a 3 year old. As long as she sleeps and naps each day I could manage. I would need Ed's blessings and his help sometime. The main thing is the sleep. I do not want to have my family feel neglected or angry because they are all needy for me. I wonder if I could continue to work....Now the other thing I wonder is about the activity level that she has now at Silvercrst. Oh, she does not do the activities there such as Bingo and the Price is right or field trips etc. She just cannot do those anymore in a group setting, however she does have a good established routine there. She walks the halls just a small amount now and stops and visits with most everyone she meets. She see's people coming and going all the time and listens to all their conversations etc. Heck she even does the rosary now with the Catholic ladies on Monday mornings. She goes to the church service on Wednesdays for an hr and loves to sing the old songs with everyone. She sits on the little couch and watches TV and waits for someone to come and get her or take her to lunch or dinner and the occasional potty times. Her friend Peggy comes to see her ay least 3-4 times a week in the early morning and takes her for an outside walk to look at the flowers and birds etc. Other than that and my 2-3 visits that is all she gets except her hair done on Wednesdays. She has adjusted somewhat there and to her routine of life at Silvercrest. Would she get enough stimulation here? Is it wrong to take her out of an environment she has finally accepted? What oh what is the right thing to do concerning Mom? Well I have an apt tomorrow to discuss all this with Meg at Silvercrest tomorrow afternoon, then I have to discuss it with Dr. Christopher, then Ed again, then get all the help lined up etc.etc.etc. Wow it is a huge undertaking. Here are my thoughts on why I want her here..I can manage her hydration and toileting much better and feel confident that she is gettin what she needs. I have more control over her meds and can put her back on the vitamins, she will be with her family and get to see the children each weekend on Family day Sunday afternoons. I can get more time with her and not have to drive so much. I can give her kisses anytime and say hello beautiful each morning and good night princess each evening. I can have her close. Reasons not to make the change is how will she react to another move back here, how will she handle the dogs, tile floors more noise and more comotion from everyone coming and going. How will I handle her moods and can I get enough time for my personal self and time for Ed and Jerry and Natalie. How can all this work if I continue working? Will I feel upset at giving my job up? I have questioned God so much about Mom. He seemed to have finally answered with the job but now I wonder again what he wants me to do. Yes, alot on my mind tomite and this last week. Dear God, please let me know clearly what you want me to do about Mama.