On Mom

Mom...Mother..Mom...
Mom is loosing the battle and it has been so hard to watch. She is 103lbs I think is the figure they gave me on Tuesday. I go and smile and re-direst and do anything and everything I can to try just for a moment to bring her some happiness. I drive home and cry. It is the no control issue. I could beg and plead and cry and still she would not eat. She is just tired of all that I guess. Tuesday I stayed with her through luch and glory be they brought her regular food not the pureed stuff. I sat and cut thew lasagna up and she used her hands to actually pick some up and put it in her mouth and chewed it up and swallowed it. I was amazed to say the least. She had a few green beans and a bite of potatoe but did not like that much. She drank all her boost too. I was estatic over the lasagna bite. I told all the CNA's that were in the dining room that Mom had ate by herself and even swallowed it! This gave me a tremendous high for the day. I had to leave to go to work and one of the girls came over to encourage her to eat some more. I hope she did.
I have realized that I cannot really share my true feelings about Mom with family members so I don't anymore. I realize that this is just too hard for them to hear the daily or weekly reports or when I leave there and just cry. So I mostly keep all this to myself. There is a group I think I will join that meets on Friday nights. It is a place where I could share my real and true feelings and the hurt that eats at me inside and the guilt that still plagues me at times too. It is mostly the real true pain of hurting for someone else that you dearly love and the pain and hurt you see them going thru. The eyes are the window to the soul and Mom's eyes look sad most of the time. I did not know what a toll this was taking on me until someone pointed it out recently. So I will work on this and attend the group meetings so I can cope better. I do not want my family to suffer because of my suffering over Mom so I have to get pro-active and get this under control and I will.