A report on Mom

Yesterday I went to visit Mom. I found her in good spirits and looking lovely. We had a good time together and she told me all sorts of things. I had bought her a new fuzzy pink scarf to keep her nack warm and a new pink poodle dog which she loved and a new baby blankie lovie. She was most happy with the new things. I had found an old calender that had the most beautiful pictures of flowers and such and I took it with me. I took the calender apart and placed it in blocks on the wall by her bed and put it up with thumb tacks. Now when she is laying there she will have pretty pictures to look at. One of the gals came in and looked at what I did and said wow..you put wallpaper up! I guess it does look like wallpaper, I just thought how I would feel with only a bare wall to look at. I have to be careful what I put around her bed as she rips everything off of anywhere she can reach. I did put her tub of lovie stuffed toys back by her bed so she can reach them. The girls moved them as they said she plays with them all night and throws them everywhere. I think it is ok for her to have her toys to play with and even throw them everywhere. I bet she even throws them at the girls!! I spent over an hr talking to the hospice nurse Kathy Harrell. Mom's urine was all good. They had checked it as a possible uti because her behavior one week was really bad. When will these folks learn that it is all part of the process of the disease. It bothers me mostly as they have to put a cather in to do this and I know I dont like those and I am sure Mom does not and does not even understand what they are doing so it must be scary for her. I told Kathy that I did not want this done anymore, so we will see. She also gained 5 lbs last month! I am really torn by this because they are giving her this terrible grape juice to drink that stimulates her appetite. She gets it before each meal and they get her to drink it by telling her that it is her wine!! Well it is working but I have to ask myself how I feel about something that is in effect forcing her to eat. Is this God's way to keep her alive and is this ok with him..or should we just let things go naturally and not give her the tonic. It is very hard to come up with an answer on this. I dont want her to suffer or be hungry and I do want her to live as long as she p[ossibly can, but is this the wrong thing to do. I will struggle with this until I can come up with an answer in my own mind and be at peace with the decision. To me she seems much happier these last 2 weeks and maybe that is because she is eating...who knows. I dont plan on anything anymore with life and Mom. I just take each day as it comes and bathe everything in prayer that concerns me. I pray for Mom at least 4 times a day, I pray for all my children, for my beloved sisters, for Ed, for the homeless and down trodden, for the lost and abandoned animals, for sick friends at church, for our church, for children, for rain or no rain, for the lost souls, and I even have learned to pray for myself. God listens and hears our prayers. Sometimes he may not answer right away but I know he hears our prayers. Dear God, Thank you for hearing my prayers.

A very strange feeling

Today I went to see my Momma at Silvercrest. She was so happy to see me and told me all sorts of things which I could not understand but some things I could decode. I visisted for about an hour and a half then had to leave to go to work. As soon as I was leaving the building I had the strangest feeling wash over me. Almost a foreboding. I got in the car and drove the loop over to Walmart. I wanted to grab a new bottle of foundation while being close to the Walmart. When I parked my car I just sat there and the feeling was getting worse and worse. I almost felt like God himself was telling me to go back to Silvercrest and stay with Mom. I just cannot put into words how this felt and the effect it was having on me. I tried to reason with myself and say everything was all right and there was no reason to worry. I got out of the car and went in and just pushed the cart around for a few minutes. I was almost lost and could not even think why I came in there. Then I remembered and got the foundation and a few things for the little kids Easter baskets. I was on my way up front to check out when I almost had a panic attack. I felt it rising up in me and I was trying to just get thru the checkout and back to my car. I made it back and just sat there again wondering what was happening to me. I started the car and made it back to Niceville and to work. I really do not know how I got thru the afternoon and would not have I am quite sure if I had not sent a text msgh to a friend to start praying for me. She sent up litle angel prayers all afternoon for me and sent me sweet text messages every 30 minutes. It could have been my blood sugar was to low or too high or I may be starting down that road again with panic attacks. I really hope not. It is a bumpy road to go down. I did not have any Xanax with me as it has been at least a year since I had to take any. I will put some in my purse in case this happens again. I have been really keyed up lately and maybe all that was feeding into things. I have called and checked on Mom and Loreen eyeballed her for me too. Other than being a real handfull today after I left she seems ok. I noticed her legs today and they seem to have a pinkish purpleish color to them. They are usually white. It could have been the boots she had on. I just ask God to keep her safe and free from any harm or pain and to let all those who take care of her be kind and loving to her. Today that is all I can do. This may also have been set off by a blog my sister wrote on seeing Mom and Dad in her backyard swing. I am big on premonitions and un explained thoughts or feelings. Maybe God is getting ready to call her home. Maybe its just anxiety, maybe I will take a Xanax tonight. Dear God please keep my Momma safe and please lay your calming hand on me right now. Amen.

life

Today I have a few minutes to write and recap life in the last few weeks. As you may remember Ed was on his way to Tuscon, AZ. He had a good trip which turned out to be almost 2 weeks long as things were going slow with the testing on the A-10. He loved Tuscon so much so that he wants to go back and take me with him....hmmm maybe he is really thinking retirement one day! I could live almost anywhere and I do love the west. While he was gone my computer crashed and the only way I had of checking my email was on Natalie's little laptop. That was a real bummer. I am glad to say that we got the computer back this week and it is working like a charm.
I have been very busy with Mom lately. She has so many skin tares that it is awful. She had a really really bad one last Friday and when I saw it on Sunday her hand was twice the normal size. I freaked and told the nurse to get on it, I was pretty upset. She called the Doc and they ordered an x-ray to check for fractures or a break. That was done Monday a.m. and there were none. One of the nurses managed to get Moms ring off that morning and strange as it sounds the swelling went down within an hr. Yesterday when I saw her the swelling is still gone but her hand looks so sad. The skin tare is really deep and jagged and I worry about it. I have asked them like for 3 months to get the Jerri gloves and now I demanded it on Monday. They have ordered them finally. This should hopefully help with the tares. Her skin is breaking down and I know this happens so I am just trying to manage it so it will not become painful or infected. She picks at everything and takes the bandages off all the time. She has managed to take alot of the rubber rail coatings off her bed rails too. It is a hard time again with her and I feel she is going down hill at a fast rate right now. However she is Amazing Grace, she may recover and turn things around at any moment who knows. They are taking regular urine samples so I do not know if that is to look for the kidneys shutting down or infection or what. I just go and love on her as much as possible and pray all day long for her. I call them angel prayers sent up during the day to keep her safe and I pray for those taking care of her for the day or night to be loving and kind to her which I know most are. It is a real balancing act to care for my family and Mom and work and volunteer and to see Jerry thru this last year of high school. I am doing much better these days as I have learned to listen to my body and to take care of me first. If I am not rested and feeling good then I cannot care for others. Take for instance yesterday which was Thursday...I was so sleepy in the a.m. and barely got Jerry off to school. I drank a cup of coffee and went back to bed about 7:15. I think I must have died. Natalie came in at 12 and asked me if I was going to get up and I said yes, then fell back asleep till 2! After that I got up and took a shower and hit the road. I stopped by the office for an hr then headed up to CV to see Mom. I stayed for a long time with her and sat thru dinner with her. She ate about half of a half of a baked potatoe. Then she ate about 1/4 cup of diced peaches and drank her boost. All in all I say she ate maybe 1/2 to 3/4 cup of total food not including the boost. This was really good for dinner time for her usually she refuses to eat at all but will drink the boost. Today Mrs.Barrow turns 106 years old. I talked to her last night or tried to. She is an amazing pioneer woman of this area. I am getting ready now to go to work pain and all. I have been very sore lately and very achy all over, even my back has been hurting where I had the back surgery a few years ago. I think the fibro must be acting up so I will consider adding an extra Lyrica today to see if that will help. Oh the pangs of growing older!!

Retreat

Retreat...a time to draw back, to get away,to relax,to let your mind rest. Our church had its semi annual staff retreat last week at Blue Lake in Alabama. It was nice to get away for a while. The camp is sat on about 1000 acres of pristine land about 15 miles from Andulasia, AL. The very first thing I noticed was how incredibly quiet it was. There was no noise at all. No cars no music no people no stop lights no nothing. It was incredibly surreal almost like Cindy (the gal) I rode with and I were all that exsisted. We got there late and everyone else was already in class upstairs. Cindy and I both had to give our depositions in a case for divorce which of course includes children and money. I will write more on this later as it un folds. We talked alot about the Beatitudes and how each one truely works in our lives and in turn allows us to work in others lives. The speaker talked alot about how we need to have a mission inside of the church and also outside of the church. We have alot to digest from this speaker. On the day we left it started to snow, yes I said snow!! It was incredibly beautiful and just made this a wonderful experience. Several of our staff had a snowball fight and that was cool. On the ride home Cindy and I discussed alot of what we had learned and how to apply it to our daily lives. I am glad I went and glad I took the time for myself.
Ed left today for Tuson, Arizona for 10 days. I will miss him so much but I know he has to go with the planes when they go. Last night we said our vows again at church. There was about 100 couples there with us. It was so special and I am glad that we are still in love with each other and want to stay together. We have been married now for 32 years and some times it seems like yesterday and some times it seems forever. Funny how life is like that!

Back to work

Today I am going back to work, its time and I do feel better. I am still a bit wheezy today but that is ok too. Had a great Crisis Care meeting last night and then had a good visit with a friend who really needed to just talk. It is very rainy today and we have the lakes forming in the backyard again, boy I think we need more rain! A bright spot of news is that Jerry finally got a job yesterday at Backyard burgers as a cook...Yeah Jerry! I had a lengthy telephone call from Ms.T.Ford Jerry's senior advisor yesterday. I think we have come to some sort of understanding about him and his schedule and life after H.S. any way I will say that I hope we have.
Looked at pictures of Ellijay and the surrounding properties for sale yesterday on the computer and had a fun time dreaming about one day possibly owning a little getaway place there. The prices continue to fall and what a great time to buy, but as usual it won't be now.....ah but it is fun to dream. Dear God, please take care of my Mom today and keep her safe and in a happy mood. Thank you that you give us the ability to dream.

Thoughts of another place and time

Retirement...That one word can bring on a whole multitude of thoughts and feelings such as can we really ever retire, can we financially or mentally retire, can we do any of the things we once thought so important, can we travel, can we have a get away place, could we still have all our facilities about us,could we be around each other 24/7 ??? All good thoughts to ponder on. There was a time that we thought we would love to travel when Ed finally retired. We would get to see the rest of the USA and reconnect with all our other retired friends and love just getting out and about. We dreamed of returning to Paris and taking the time to see the Louve' and all the treasures it holds. We wanted to go back to MontMatTree' and spend a whole day at the Seccour' the Church on the Hill. We want to go and walk in the American cemetary and pay our respects to those who gave their lives to liberate France. We would love to return to the Cotswolds in England and find a tiny village to spend a month or a year there...or forever. Now we wonder like everyone else if any of these dreams will come true. We would also like to take a cruise to Alaska now that is a real dream for us. We have had a few talks lately on retirement and if and when Ed plans to retire. He had told me for a long time that he was on the work til you drop plan...now he is at least thinking sometime within the next ten years. I wonder in 10 years how our health will be, could we do those long walks and long drives in the US will we even want to. It is funny to me how your thoughts can change over time. What once was a "must do or must see" is now a well lets think about it. Maybe those think about it thoughts will turn into lets just do it...who knows only time will tell. Dear God, Thank you for allowing us to delve deeper into our thoughts. Amen

Jerry and the SAT or ACT or is it the just shoot me!

Jerry is now in the last 4 months of his high school life. He is being given information overload at a rate of warp-speed everyday. Today this laid back kid told me "Mom you need to get me registered for the SAT." Umm Jerry you have asked me this since last year and each time you change your mind and don't go. Yeah I know Mom but now I think I really need to just take it to get some kind of score. Are you really going to do it this time?? Pause..yeah I think so. Jerry the workshop is $125.00. If I pay this it is no refunds so you will have to go and it is for 4 afternoons but it will give you an edge. No, I think I will just take the test. Ha..I dont know about this kid and trying to explain anything to him is about as fruitful as talking to the dog. Nat tells me to just let him take it and fail to which he responded yeah but I get another chance, one more time. Hello wall and how are you today? Now he thinks he will go to the college here in town...Northwest Florida State College. Great idea but he either has to present them with an SAT or ACT score or take the entrance exam...will he ever "get" it? Lord I hope so, I mean all we want for our kids is a chance at a great life with a loving spouse and good friends and the means to support themselves. I know...patience, patience! Dear Lord please help him to find his way and please help me to keep my sanity in the process.

Dr again

Ok I realized today that maybe I am not getting better or maybe I just need another antibiotic. I realized this when I drug myself into work and my boss Dave said "Grace dont be offended by this but you look like hell" Please go home! So after groveling about how long it took me to get dressed and there I did just that, I returned home. I did not pass go or collect $100, I simply went home. I have been home forever it seems and I think I am going a little stir crazy. I called the Dr's office and left a message about the still coughing and wheezing, snap crackle pop in my lungs and could they just call me something new in to fix it? The call came back with the dreaded "the Dr. wants you to come back in for a chest x-ray and blood work. Another drive over the bridge to the doc and more questions and why didn't I just get all this last week when I was there??? I told him it came on really quick like overnite and was the H1N1 still around etc. Knowing my luck everything will be clear tomorrow and I will just have to live on Mucinex the rest of my life or something crazy like that. I do have to admit that the drug Avelox is very hard to take and makes me very sick for about 2 hrs afterwards, food or no food, it does not seem to matter. Maybe this was not the right one for me and maybe all I really need is just another drug to kill whatever is there off. I do want to feel better so I can get back to doing life. I have not seen my Mom for 7 days now and that is too long for me and for her. I cringe to think how she will be whenever I finally get over being sick so I can see her again. They ask us not to come when we are sick as the elderly can get so sick so fast. I pray the angels will watch over her and keep her safe.

How many pills can you take in a day

So I have been sick since Tuesday and taking additional pills since Wednesday these added to my full array that I alredy take. I figure if I had a swallowing problem, I would be up the creek by now. On a normal day I take 5.5 prescription pills and about 10 vitamin/supplements. Now I have added an additional 5 pills plus an inhaler and cough syrup. Then add in the 6 ibuprofen and 1-2 darvocet prn and there you have it! I think if someone put a hole in me I would just start dispencing pills!
I can see why the drug companies are doing so well. I would like to say that I am off to work today but have decided to stay home and get lots of rest. My cough still sounds terrible but I do seem to have gotten my voice back. So I will enjoy the rest. Dear Lord please watch over my Mama Grace Goodwin and give her a good day. Please place your healing hand on my chest so I can get better to serve you. Amen

On being sick...again

Well as you can see I am getting sick again. Today I will make an appointment and go to the Doc to get whatever I need to get better. I usually wait until I am extremely sick but this time I am going straightaway. This came on very quickly when I woke up yesterday morning it was there. Usually I get to feeling bad then it goes on for a week or so then I get bad. This one is different. It is probably something new that someone is shooting over our way! I am still very disenchanted with our school system. There seems to be no end to the mess here. I am now counting my months and days to graduation and I really hope that he graduates! I am suppose to start helping Mr.Bob in Benevelonce on Thursdays tomorrow. My therapist is out taking care of her aging husband Mr.Jim. Mr. Jim is 87 years old and was a POW and spent over a year in a terrible place and had terrible things done to him while there. I really admire him so much. When I help Mr.Bob I am suppose to do an exit interview with those we were able to help and then pray with them. I am glad to be able to do this for those who have so little. I was able to see Mom yesterday and sit with her during dinner. She drank 2 Boost meal replacements and had 2 small bites of her PBJ sandwich. I was thankful for the 2 bites and the 2 Boost she would have. She was in a good mood yesterday evening when I was there. She had been in a very bad mood when she woke up and they had to give her an Ativan to calm her down. Yeah for the Ativan and Boo for whatever caused her bad mood and with Mom who knows! God please take care of my Mom today and please let her have a good mood today.

Jerry and school

Today I am so perplexed over school these days. I do not understand any more how they operate. Things use to be so open between school and home and parents and now I see more and more a control issue. I know there has always been some control but now there seems to be a flexing of the muscle if yo will. I am SO glad this is my last kid in school. I honestly do not think I could go thru this again. I am so glad that we homeschooled for the 5 years we did. It was an incredible time of learning and bonding together. When Jerry went to 8th grade in public school it was alot of fun for him and an eye opener of how much busy work there was and all the time wasted as well. Then he went on to high school and each year was a skin of the teeth passing. Now he is in his last year of school. Not only is he facing the fear and uncertainies of college vs work but he also has a teacher that is on him. I finally had to write her this morning to let her know that he was going to stay in this other teachers class that he has been attending while the primary teacher was out on medical leave for 8 weeks. I wrote a very nice email to her thanking her for the last 3.5 years of watching over Jerry and telling her that Jerry was going to stay in the temp class he was attending while she was out. I asked her to continue to encourage Jerry to stay on track to finish school etc. She immediately sent me a copy of the email and the note she sent to the attendence office that Jerry was switching to this other teacher for the rest of the year. This would have been ok but she also included that he had been tardy this week and was being counted on her roll as tardy and she did not want this reflected on her roll. Knowing this woman for the last 10 years I can tell you it was not done with Jerrys interest in mind but her own and as a spite. It is either her way or the highway. You never question her or go against her. She has always tried to be the kids best friend but then she will tell them about stuff other kids have done...sex...drugs...3 some's etc.etc. She has often told me on the phone about other kids and used their names etc, and even told me about the parents of these kids. I have always listened and took things in my stride then tried to forget it all. Now I am seeing really clear what some of the kids have told me over the years about Miss Jane (not her real name). I always have gone to the teachers side most of the time and tried to see why they did things they way they did. Hindsight really is 20/20. If you get mad at her or heaven forbid leave her class you pay the price. I can only hope reprucussions will not follow in his wake. She can be a vengeful and even spiteful woman. She can also be your best friend....as long as you are playing on her field and sahe is the grand pooba in charge. I am glad we only have 5 months to go til graduation day!

Sisters

Wow! I cannot believe the different thoughts this one word brings up for me. Just the very word brings several thoughts and emotions. One..always there, rock solid, lots of knowledge. The other..un-resolved differences, not available physically and sometimes even mentally. Sister number 1 is Rachel and sister #2 is Rebecca. It is wierd how we all share the same parents and the same blood but how we are so very different. It is also strange how we can be apart for so many years and then clear the air and pick-up where we left off with of course new ground rules and boundaries. In the past I could always tell sister #1 how I really felt about Mom and the feelings I had inside. I decided a few months ago to stop this as I could tell this was very depressing for her. So I put on my almost happy face and now only tell her the good stuff. She is much better this way ad I cope with how I really feel. Being the primary care giver and over seeer is very difficult at times. Each and everything about Mom has to be thought out and expanded on, turned backwards and forwards then around and around. I always pray and ask God to help me make the right decisions for Mom. Then I do all the second guessing of it all. Sister #2 has recently returned to my life via of all things (facebook). However it was done is no matter the good part is that it has been done. We talk alot and she calls me quite frequently and emails daily. She has given me some ideas for Mom and listens. We have discussed Mom and her feelings toward her and it is so good to know that she has forgiven Mom for all the times she was so mean to her. She calls her Mom now and even has told me she loves her. As of late she has taken up sending Mom pretty cards thru the mail. Mom just loves to get mail or at least she use too now I do not know, but she loves to hold on to things. I am glad I have both sisters in my life and I continue to pray that God will make a way for them to reconsile to each other and become friends again. All things in his time.

On Mom

Mom...Mother..Mom...
Mom is loosing the battle and it has been so hard to watch. She is 103lbs I think is the figure they gave me on Tuesday. I go and smile and re-direst and do anything and everything I can to try just for a moment to bring her some happiness. I drive home and cry. It is the no control issue. I could beg and plead and cry and still she would not eat. She is just tired of all that I guess. Tuesday I stayed with her through luch and glory be they brought her regular food not the pureed stuff. I sat and cut thew lasagna up and she used her hands to actually pick some up and put it in her mouth and chewed it up and swallowed it. I was amazed to say the least. She had a few green beans and a bite of potatoe but did not like that much. She drank all her boost too. I was estatic over the lasagna bite. I told all the CNA's that were in the dining room that Mom had ate by herself and even swallowed it! This gave me a tremendous high for the day. I had to leave to go to work and one of the girls came over to encourage her to eat some more. I hope she did.
I have realized that I cannot really share my true feelings about Mom with family members so I don't anymore. I realize that this is just too hard for them to hear the daily or weekly reports or when I leave there and just cry. So I mostly keep all this to myself. There is a group I think I will join that meets on Friday nights. It is a place where I could share my real and true feelings and the hurt that eats at me inside and the guilt that still plagues me at times too. It is mostly the real true pain of hurting for someone else that you dearly love and the pain and hurt you see them going thru. The eyes are the window to the soul and Mom's eyes look sad most of the time. I did not know what a toll this was taking on me until someone pointed it out recently. So I will work on this and attend the group meetings so I can cope better. I do not want my family to suffer because of my suffering over Mom so I have to get pro-active and get this under control and I will.

winter thoughts

My goodness I did not know how long it has been since my last post! I would like to write more in 2010. Time and events will tell that story.
The fall was rather warm but actually nice too. We had a ton of rain and I mean a ton. We moved (again) to a cool house sat on an acre of land in BWB. It was suprising to find this place and really like it. It is very peaceful here with hardly any traffic or noise. Our dogs really love the yard.
Christmas came and it was a really nice time of the year. There was no frenzied hurrying to get the last minute gift this year. I shopped each pay day as money afforded and ordered on line too. I tried to stay out of the stores as much as possible. Ed and I really enjoyed the kids programs at church and the few parties we went to. Anne and Mike and kids were in the mtns and we were so happy that they made it home on the 24th for service and after party that we always have at our home. Everyone was here Christmas eve night and what a wonderful feeling that was for me to know all my (babies) were safe once again under one roof! We had a delightful morning and loved watching the kids open up their presents and get their bikes from us. It was pure joy! WE rolled into the new year with Ed and I watching the ball drop safe at home being warm and together. Everyone else was at New Years parties or out with Friends. Jerry came home on New Years day announcing his first real fight which I thought not bad for being 17 and a Senior. The fight was justified as it was over one of his friends who is a girl and attached. Evidently another big guy in the crowd pushed her really hard and Jerry stepped in to defend her and it went downhill from there. The other guy who was an adult got arrested and so did others. In his words it was a real brawl with everyone getting invovled. His words to us were..I never knew how strong I was! We have always told him to never throw the first punch but if you are punched you can defend yourself. I am glad he has retained that info. The adult guy threw the first punch at him and hit him on the browbone. Needless to say Jerry hit back, so now he knows what a real fight feels like. January has been an extremely cold month. We even had a 40% chance of snow one night. It did not happen but we had ice on the cars in the morning. We have got down to 17 I believe. Ed and I are celebrating our 32nd wedding anniversary today. It can seem like 100 years ago sometimes. I have been married since I was 18 and a Mom since I was 19. I am still mothering Jerry. I do not think we will do anything special today however we do plan to go to Pensacola sometime this weekend to our favorite Italian resturant. That will be fun!